Twilight: The Not So Broadway Musical
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: Sparkling bloodsuckers, telepathic werewolves, and flamboyant Italian vampires, oh my! Sing-alongs with Jacob, opera with Bella, and balads with Edward! Complete with a fully-functioning Volturi choir!


_**Twilight: The Not-So-Broadway Musical**_

**_Act One, Scene One:_**

_**-The stage lights up. A young girl is seen waiting at a bus stop- **_

Bella: Oh, why did I abandon living with my mother for living with my father in Forks, Washington, of all places? All it does is rain!

_**-Tune of "Belle" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast-**_

_Little town, little town of Forks _

_It's a soaking village _

_Ev'ry day _

_Raining like the one before _

_Little town _

_Full of little people- _

Jacob: **-Skips across the stage, wearing a random werewolf mask; ballerina spin-**

_And telepathic werewolves! _

Bella: _**-Looks at Jacob with a bewildered expression-**_

_Greeting me today…_

**-**_**Suddenly, the stage fills up with students passing by, Bella singing in the center. A random nerd begins to walk in front of Bella-**_

_There goes the nerd with his books, like always_

_The same old notes and math to study __**-Sticks her foot out, tripping the nerd-**_

_Ev'ry classroom just the same_

_Since the morning that I came_

_To this wet pathetic town_

Male Students:

_Look there she goes_

_That girl is hot, no question_

_Thin and pretty, can't you see?_

Bella:

_There must be more than this soaking wet life!_

_**-Suddenly, five gorgeous students enter the stage-**_

Rosalie: Wow, Edward. No grizzly bear stands a chance against you, and no human for that matter.

Edward: _**-Checking himself out in a pocket mirror- **_I know, right? And I like the smell of _THAT_ one. _**–Points to Bella-**_

Edward:

_Right from the moment when I sensed her, saw her_

_I said she's got no brainwaves I can read_

_Here in class there's only she_

_Who smells as lovely as me_

_So I'm making plans to make her my lunch!_

Bella:

_There must be more than this soaking wet life!_

Edward:

_Just watch I'm going to stalk Bella's life!_

_**-The singing stops. Bella and Edward are alone now, and he walks over to her-**_

Edward: Hey there, Bella…

Bella: Hi, my name's Bella Swan! I hope we have some classes together! _**-Skips offstage gaily-**_

Edward: _**-Sobbing noise-**_ She sure smells so purdy…_**I THINK I'M IN LOVE!!!**_

_**Act One, Scene Two: **_

_**-At the beach- **_

Bella: Oh, how I adore the beach! The sunlight glimmering off the water reminds me of my beloved Edward's smoldering, liquid topaz eyes! Oh, how I desperately wish he were here to tell me how delicious I smell!

_**-Suddenly, a random Native American boy enters the stage-**_

Jacob: Hey, Bella!

Bella: How do you know my name?

Jacob: Everyone knows you, Bella! You're the main character!

Bella: _**-Arrogant-**_Well, you _do _have a point there…anyway, who are you?

Jacob: Well, Bella, I'm-

Jacob Black

_On the attack_

_I'm a werewolf!_

_Strong as ten regular men, definitely_

_I'll face those bloodthirsty hordes_

_A hundred vampires with fangs_

_Who's gonna beat those killer gangs?_

_Why, Jacob Black!_

Dancers: _**-Dressed like wolves-**_

_He's got seventy-five razor sharp claws_

_Canine fangs he's got fifty-three_

Bella:

_That physique!_

_How can I speak?_

_Weak at the knee!_

Jacob Black:

_Jacob Black_

_Amorous me_

_I'm a werewolf!_

_Heard Bella Swan was a sight lovely to see_

_Decided to snag that hottie for me!_

Bella/Dancers:

_Make…_

_Way…_

_For…_

Jacob:

_JACOB BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

So Bella, you think I'm pretty smokin' delicious, right?

Bella: Well, you certainly are good looking; it's just that my heart's already set on my precious Edward Cullen.

Jacob Black: Wait. Cullen, as in _Edward _Cullen?!

Bella: Oh, you know him, then?

Jacob: _**-Pause-**_Well, no. Not really. You know, to tell the truth, I haven't the slightest idea _why _I'm supposed to hate his guts. However, I do know that if I didn't endlessly prattle on about how evil, pale, and ungodly sexy he is, then there wouldn't be much of a plot now, would there?

Bella: I suppose you're right.

Jacob: So anyway… _**-Clears throat-**_Edward Cullen is evil, pale, and ungodly sexy! He's dangerous! If you know what's good for you, Bella, you'll stay far away from him!

–_**Exits the stage-**_

Bella: I'm sensing a little hostility here…

_**Act One, Scene Three: **_

_**-In a meadow- **_

Bella: Edward, are you a vampire?

Edward: **-Nervous laughter-** What makes you think that?

Bella: Sasquatch told me you were.

Edward: Curse those werewolves! There's nothing I hate more than a werewolf! Well, besides sunlight, that is.

Bella: Oh, because it'll make you burn?

Edward: No, because it exposes vampires for what we really are! _**–Spotlight on Edward. Suddenly, Edward throws off his trench coat, only to reveal a sparkling, pink leotard-**_ This is what I am, Bella! What I'm _cursed_ to be!

Bella: Ooh, shiny…

Edward: _**-To the tune of "I'm a Barbie Girl"-**_

_I'm a sparkly vamp_

_In a sparkly world_

_I'll take you to my lair_

_And I'll bite your neck there_

_Life is full of desire_

_When you're a vampire!_

Bella: Wow, you're a sparkly vampire? Who knew?

Edward: _**-Now covered up in the trench coat once again-**_ Yes, but I'm also a _**DANGEROUS**_ sparkly vampire!

Bella: _**-Gasps-**_ NO WAY!

_**Act One, Scene Four: **_

Edward: _-Walks up to his siblings-_ Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, I know we're not really supposed to tell humans about our being vampires and wanting to eat them and all, but…

Rosalie: But _what_?

Edward: I may have _accidentally_ let Bella in on it…

All: ?!

Edward: Don't give me those looks! I _LOVE_ Bella!!!

Emmett: Dude, you've known her for like, what, two days?

Edward: I may have only known Bella for two days, but these two days have been the most magical and meaningful two days of my entire existence! _**–Insert dramatically hilarious hissy fit here-**_

Alice: Edward, you know humans aren't supposed to know about us.

Jasper: Yeah, it's just…just…

Emmett: Bad. _**–Leans in eerily close to Edward's face- **_Really, really, really bad…

Rosalie: Emmet, stop. Let _me_ handle this.

_**-"Can You Feel the Love Tonight" opening tune from The Lion King-**_

_I can see what's happening _

_And you don't have a clue _

_You'll fall in love and here's the bottom line _

_Our family will have to move. _

_Ze sweet caress of twilight _

_There's danger everywhere _

_And with all this romantic atmosphere _

_Disaster's in the air_

Edward: Whatever! You know what? I'm just going to turn Bella into a vampire so we can kill things and drink their blood together forever!

All Four Siblings: _**"-Status Quo" tune from High School Musical-**_

_No, no, no, nooooooooooo _

_No, no, no _

_Stick to the blood you know _

_If you want blood to eat _

_There's a rule you can't beat _

_Don't mess with the flow, no no _

_Stick to the blood you know _

Bella: _**-Enters-**_ Hey, Edward! Oh, is this your vampire family?

Edward: Yeah. Bella, this is Emmet and Jasper, my brothers, and this is Rosalie, my sister. Oh, and this is Alice, my other sister.

Alice: I can tell the future!

Bella: Really?

Alice: _**-Dazed look-**_ I predict, that in the next ten years…_**-Shifty eyes-**_ it's going to rain…

Bella: That's amazing…

_**-Suddenly, lights start flashing- **_

Bella: Edward! What's going on?

Edward: _**-Gasps-**_ It's James, the evil vampire!

Cullen Siblings: _**-"Phantom of the Opera" tune-**_

_The vampire of Washington! _

_He's here in Forks! _

_He's the vampire of Washington!!! _

James: Wow, that human you got with you smells so…_**-Slicks hair back in a rather unattractive, but still funny manner-**_appetizing.

Edward: SNNNAAAARRRRLLLLLLLLLL!!!

James: Oh yeah? _**-Points behind Edward-**_ What's that?!

Edward: What?! _**-Looks behind him-**_

James: _**-Snatches Bella and runs away with her-**_

Bella: Edward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Bella!

Cullen Siblings: _**-Exit as the stage lights dim-**_

Edward: _**-"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" tune**_

_I've grown accustomed to her scent. _

_She almost makes the day begin. _

_I've grown accustomed to her smell; _

_Accustomed to her blood; _

_Accustomed to her scent. _

_**I'LL FIND YOU, BELLA!!! **_

_**-Exits by the wrong passage way, then comes back on stage to exit the same way Bella and James left-**_

_**Act One, Scene Five: **_

_**-Bella can be seen tied to a chair, James grinning villainously at her, and rubbing hands together in a malicious, cliché fashion-**_

James: Why hello there, Bella…

Bella: What are you going to do with me?!

James: _**-"I'll Make a Man out of You" tune from Mulan-**_

_Let's get down to business, so I can have my snack _

_Did Edward think he'd beat me _

_When I was ready to attack? _

_He's the saddest thing I've ever seen _

_But you can bet before we're through: _

_Bella I'll make a meal out of you!!! _

_**-Leans in to bite Bella's neck-**_

Prepare to be digested, Bella…

Bella: _**-Screams-**_

Edward: STOP!!!

Random Background Voice:

_IN THE NAME OF LOVE!!!!_

Edward: _**-Looks around with a confused expression-**_

James: Edward.

Edward: James.

Bella: Bella…

Edward: _**-Pulls a random gun from out of his trench coat and aims it at James-**_ Say hello to my little friend! _**-Shoots James-**_

James: _**-Dies-**_

Bella: You shot him! Oh, Edward, you weren't supposed to _shoot_ him! You were _supposed_ to have an epic battle in which you declare your everlasting love for me!

Edward: Quiet, Bella! We only have a ten-minute time slot! Besides, I shot him with a silver bullet, so it's all good.

Bella: Wait a minute…_**-Shrugs, then runs over to Edward- **_Oh, my beloved Edward, how I love you so!

Edward: The feeling's mutual, Bella.

Bella/Edward: _**"Part of That World" tune from The Little Mermaid-**_

_Now we can kill, now we can feed _

_Slaughterin' free - wish that I could _

_Slaughter that world! _

Bella:

_When's it my turn? _

_Wouldn't I love, love to destroy that world with you? _

_Undead with you _

_Wish that I could _

Bella/Edward:

_SLAUGHTER THAT WORLD!!! _

Bella: Oh, Edward, let us frolic off into the sunset together!

Edward: My sentiments exactly. Come, Bella, I shall carry you. _**-Attempts to pick Bella up, but she's too heavy-**_ On second, let's just skip.

_**-Edward and Bella skip offset, and the stage goes dark-**_

_**FIN**_

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Sorry if you liked the other version better. You know, the one with the therapist? **

**But I liked this version, the old one, better, so decided to put this one up instead. It's funnier, not vulgar in the least, and plus, my school may be putting this on for our annual ten-minute student written plays this year.**

**Maybe I'll even upload the performance to Youtube. -Snicker-**

**If I can, maybe later on I'll edit this part and add more to it (Like Victoria and Laurent, for one xD)**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy.**

**R&R please.**


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